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partners of those who suffer from a psychiatric disorder
Ok, so I'm posting much sooner than i thought i would.I feel like I… 
4th-Sep-2006 04:53 am
red X
Ok, so I'm posting much sooner than i thought i would.I feel like I just need to get some stuff out and get some feedback. About a month ago, my girlfriend Vicki and I had a fight of sorts related to some sexual stuff. She felt inadequate for some reason that I couldn't fathom and one night when I was hanging out with my friends it all came out over text messages and led to this fight that lasted a couple days. Then tonight I was hanging out with the same friends and it all came back. it started because I had made a comment that i had talked to them both about the problems we had had as well as the fight itself that night, which prompted her to say that it was none of their goddamn business, ever. I'm a very open person and like to get things out for discussion and get feedback on them (like now) but she tends to shove it to the side and just get angry instead, a response whihc i have trouble dealing with, but usually just try to let slide, often at the expense of my own happiness to try to help her feel better. Tonight she brought up the comment that i had made, and after saying that it wasn't their business and going back and forth for a bit, said that it wasn't worth it and that I shouldn't worry about it cause it was easier to just forget us entirely. I talked her down from that, though she was still in a horrible mood last i heard. All I could do was keep saying how much I cared about her and that I had no intention to leave her or anything of that sort, and that giving up now would be denying any sort of chance at happiness etc. She eventually said that she felt stupid, which is more or less the equivalent of her saying she knows she's over-reacting, but doesnt know what to do about it. I just care about her so much and it's so hard to go through these situations. Imean, I can be mad, but that doesn't change that i love her and doesn't make me think that breaking it off would solve anything. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had gone through similar situations, how they dealt with it, if they thought I did ok with it, and any helpful info on how to diffuse a situation like this in the future. I'll keep everyone updated on us too, but yeah, that was my fun filled night.
comments 
5th-Sep-2006 07:03 am (UTC)
Hey Eric, I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult weekend. I hope things have calmed down a little bit by now.

It sounds to me like you both handled that fight pretty well. I think you said it best with the line, I can be mad, but that doesn't change that i love her and doesn't make me think that breaking it off would solve anything. I hope you told her those exact words, because everybody needs to hear those sometimes. It's true that you have issues that needs to be worked out, but that doesn't mean you don't love her or that your relationship is doomed.

Vicki, on the other hand, felt either safe or brave enough to be honest with you about feeling stupid, which, like you said, points out that she was aware that your fighting wasn't really necessary. That shows insight and awareness, which are admirable qualities in anyone, esecially during a fight.

I think though that what you fought about is a talk that you two needed to have. My girlfriend is a super-private person too, and it took her a while to get used to the fact that I discuss our relationship with two of my friends. It may take some adjusting for your girlfriend, as well. Maybe you can sit down with her some time and try to come to some agreements as to what she would find okay for you to share with your friends, and which things she would really appreciate to be kept private (and perhaps why, if some of those seem unreasonable to you). Like you said, you're a very open person, but not all of us are that way, and it may make her feel more secure if she knows that not everything she shares with you will find its way to other people.

Good luck. I hope you're both doing better.
5th-Sep-2006 10:21 am (UTC)
Thanks for the feedback and advice. I really appreciate it. It was looking as though I was going to have to report back that we'd broken up, but we were able to talk through things and we're okay now.
5th-Sep-2006 10:30 am (UTC)
Phew. That must have been frightening. I'm glad you're doing okay now. Communication's a great thing. :)
5th-Sep-2006 09:09 pm (UTC)
I've always thougt so :)
6th-Sep-2006 12:09 am (UTC)
hi eric,

i can sympathize with both sides of your disagreement with your girlfriend. i too am like you when it comes to problems. my way of thinking them through is often to call my sister or go out with a girlfriend for drinks to talk it out and hash it through. there are however boundaries that i try not to cross. i've also been on the receiving end of knowing my husband had shared intimate details of our relationship with his sister and felt totally threatened and angry over this. the key as i see it to discussing our relationship issues is to protect your partner from shame. its all in how you present a problem to your friends. if you're saying things like "i feel such and such when my girlfriend acts like xy or z" then that is very appropriate. on the other hand things like "my girlfriend sucks and let me tell you why" is not. its very much a discussion you all need to have to understand what is ok to share and what is not. those are individual boundaries that we must as a couple protect for one another. its kinda like knowing your gf has a beauty mark she's embarrassed of...you wouldn't head out and say let me show you her ugly birth mark i scanned with my cell.

its also important to note that there are times when you can not go into great detail with those who love us about the issues we're working out with our partners. its too hard sometimes for a mom, or sister (at least in my case) to separate the protective feelings they have loving me and see a clear picture of what you're working out.

hold on to hope eric!
-s
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