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wellpartners
partners of those who suffer from a psychiatric disorder
Ok, so I'm posting much sooner than i thought i would.I feel like I… 
4th-Sep-2006 04:53 am
red X
Ok, so I'm posting much sooner than i thought i would.I feel like I just need to get some stuff out and get some feedback. About a month ago, my girlfriend Vicki and I had a fight of sorts related to some sexual stuff. She felt inadequate for some reason that I couldn't fathom and one night when I was hanging out with my friends it all came out over text messages and led to this fight that lasted a couple days. Then tonight I was hanging out with the same friends and it all came back. it started because I had made a comment that i had talked to them both about the problems we had had as well as the fight itself that night, which prompted her to say that it was none of their goddamn business, ever. I'm a very open person and like to get things out for discussion and get feedback on them (like now) but she tends to shove it to the side and just get angry instead, a response whihc i have trouble dealing with, but usually just try to let slide, often at the expense of my own happiness to try to help her feel better. Tonight she brought up the comment that i had made, and after saying that it wasn't their business and going back and forth for a bit, said that it wasn't worth it and that I shouldn't worry about it cause it was easier to just forget us entirely. I talked her down from that, though she was still in a horrible mood last i heard. All I could do was keep saying how much I cared about her and that I had no intention to leave her or anything of that sort, and that giving up now would be denying any sort of chance at happiness etc. She eventually said that she felt stupid, which is more or less the equivalent of her saying she knows she's over-reacting, but doesnt know what to do about it. I just care about her so much and it's so hard to go through these situations. Imean, I can be mad, but that doesn't change that i love her and doesn't make me think that breaking it off would solve anything. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had gone through similar situations, how they dealt with it, if they thought I did ok with it, and any helpful info on how to diffuse a situation like this in the future. I'll keep everyone updated on us too, but yeah, that was my fun filled night.
comments 
6th-Sep-2006 12:09 am (UTC)
hi eric,

i can sympathize with both sides of your disagreement with your girlfriend. i too am like you when it comes to problems. my way of thinking them through is often to call my sister or go out with a girlfriend for drinks to talk it out and hash it through. there are however boundaries that i try not to cross. i've also been on the receiving end of knowing my husband had shared intimate details of our relationship with his sister and felt totally threatened and angry over this. the key as i see it to discussing our relationship issues is to protect your partner from shame. its all in how you present a problem to your friends. if you're saying things like "i feel such and such when my girlfriend acts like xy or z" then that is very appropriate. on the other hand things like "my girlfriend sucks and let me tell you why" is not. its very much a discussion you all need to have to understand what is ok to share and what is not. those are individual boundaries that we must as a couple protect for one another. its kinda like knowing your gf has a beauty mark she's embarrassed of...you wouldn't head out and say let me show you her ugly birth mark i scanned with my cell.

its also important to note that there are times when you can not go into great detail with those who love us about the issues we're working out with our partners. its too hard sometimes for a mom, or sister (at least in my case) to separate the protective feelings they have loving me and see a clear picture of what you're working out.

hold on to hope eric!
-s
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